I thought it would be appropriate to start the new year by talking about…. Drum-roll, please… Weight loss. Yes that’s it. You never would have guessed right? Being January and all…
I could be politically correct and just say I’ve gained a few extra kilos during the years, but the truth is I’ve got excess weight about the weight of a person. There you have it. I admit it, I’m fat. Fatter. Fastest.
Now here’s the problem… I tend to have this ostrich kind of tendency of ignoring the problem. I could even say I go as far as living in denial. So far I don’t have weight related problems – bar that most of the clothes in my closet don’t fit. But I’m sure the problems are lurking right behind the corner. I like to think of it as inverted anorexia. Instead of seeing myself fatter than I am, I see myself thinner.
During the years I’ve witnessed a few amazing transformations as few of my colleagues have gone through weight loss surgery. But still I hope that will not be my future. I’m still young, right? 34-ish is not old, is it? I can lose the weight without surgery, right? It is doable isn’t it? I just need to find the motivation/courage to do something about this now, not with busted knees and diabetes later on. My only, well not only but biggest problem is that I don’t honestly believe that I can do it.
Like many times before, I’ve started counting calories, basically I’m talking about writing down what I eat on a site which gives me instant feedback on the quality of the food consumed. First week was great, but come second week and busy schedule which *%$&% all my planning for what I’m going to eat. So where the first week was good in regards to carbs/protein/fat, second week barely manages to keep the calories in control. I need to nib this behavior in the bud. My diet in itself is not that bad, there are a lot of veggies and fruit, but my problem is snacking and not moving enough. Btw. I got a Polar Loop for Xmas, haven’t got the daily activity level full yet.
And I have these irrational fears. What if I lose the weight? Does that mean that I wasn’t good enough as a fatty? I’m probably not explaining myself very well… I’ll use makeup as an example. I don’t use makeup. And I’m perfectly fine with myself without it. Now if I would start to wear makeup would I feel worse without it? Would it become a must? Would people not accept me without it? These are the underlying thoughts that I sabotage myself with every time. I told you it was irrational.
I do not have any rosy ideas of my life becoming amazing when thinner. My life is good as it is. I just want to fit into it easier. I want to find clothes in the normal sized section, I want to be able to stretch without struggling with the mountain of lard in the way. Sorry for that mental image. Here’s a cute kitten to wipe it away.