Stuck, busy and exhausted

That just about sums it up, really. I can’t get anything written, the infamous writer’s block has struck – well, that, or my imagination has gone AWOL. Either way, I hope it’s only temporary.

I know, I know. I should take my time, and it will come back when the time is right, but still, I can’t help the guilt that spikes every time I get a notification for a new follower, a new review or a PM on FF. People are waiting for me to write (which is still mind-boggling BTW) and each day that goes by without a single word typed just makes me feel like I’m letting people down. I’m sorry, okay? Bear with me.

So as you might have guessed, NaNoWriMo, is so not happening for me this year. I’m seriously starting to doubt that I ever will manage to participate.

For the last x months I’ve been waiting for things to calm down. Real life has slowed a bit, but work is still really busy. My bad, I know. No one forced me to take on the projects, I wanted to do them. So I don’t have a right to complain. Right? I come home, my head buzzing with work-related stuff and even when the buzzing finally subsides and I sit down to write, it just doesn’t happen. My muse (or whatever) has packed her bags and left an ‘I might not be back’ sign on the door.

Then to my other permanent issue…Weight-loss. Ha! What a joke. I can’t get my head on straight, how am I supposed to keep track on losing weight? Trying to ignore the whole issue at the moment. Which really isn’t helpful. But stress and dieting (yeah yeah yeah, dieting doesn’t work anyway) aren’t really the best of friends.

Can you tell I’m in a foul mood tonight? Just waiting for the weekend so I can catch up on sleeping. Here’s to hoping I’ll manage without a headache this week. Stay strong, it’s soon Thursday.

Decisions and self-sabotage

Ok. I’ve decided to do it. I definitely am, or at least I’m going to try. The big D word. Diet. In real life I probably won’t tell anyone, bar my husband, about it, because I don’t want more people to judge me if (when?) I fail. – That’s how confident I am about losing weight.

As a fat person (I don’t actually see myself as a fat person, which is why seeing the numbers on my scale feels so horrendous.)- I try to appear unaffected by my weight. I’m a great person, smart, hard working, friendly – the fat exterior doesn’t define me, so admitting that I’m really not happy with myself – well, let’s just say, it doesn’t feel good.

I’m going to try the Fast Metabolism Diet for 28 days. If it works, it will be great, and then I will continue doing it. But if it doesn’t… Then I really don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve done my food plan for the first four days and I’m quite surprised by the amount of food I’m going to be eating. And at the same time I notice myself already sabotaging my diet, even before I’ve even started it! Can I live without coffee? No!? I probably could but do I want to? I don’t like to eat breakfast that early… Will it kill me to wake up a bit earlier to give me time to eat before going to work? No it won’t. It’ll be tough, probably not on the eating side of the equation but on the psychological side of it. Because in the end of the day, the real struggle is between my ears.

I hope that in four weeks I can report back, happy that I’ve lost some weight. But if it doesn’t happen… Well then I’ve again successfully sabotaged myself.

The reality is, that I’m now the same weight as I was when I was 40 weeks pregnant the last time (the junior is 5 years in June – so not really talking about baby weight that needs to come off). The weight gain has to stop here. The only acceptable direction for my weight curve is down.

The diet promises up to 20 lbs weight loss in 28 days. If I will lose 10 lbs I will be happy, but not satisfied.

Wish me luck.

Ramblings of a fatty

I thought it would be appropriate to start the new year by talking about…. Drum-roll, please… Weight loss. Yes that’s it. You never would have guessed right? Being January and all…

I could be politically correct and just say I’ve gained a few extra kilos during the years, but the truth is I’ve got excess weight about the weight of a person. There you have it. I admit it, I’m fat. Fatter. Fastest.

Now here’s the problem… I tend to have this ostrich kind of tendency of ignoring the problem. I could even say I go as far as living in denial. So far I don’t have weight related problems – bar that most of the clothes in my closet don’t fit. But I’m sure the problems are lurking right behind the corner. I like to think of it as inverted anorexia. Instead of seeing myself fatter than I am, I see myself thinner.

During the years I’ve witnessed a few amazing transformations as few of my colleagues have gone through weight loss surgery. But still I hope that will not be my future. I’m still young, right? 34-ish is not old, is it? I can lose the weight without surgery, right? It is doable isn’t it? I just need to find the motivation/courage to do something about this now, not with busted knees and diabetes later on. My only, well not only but biggest problem is that I don’t honestly believe that I can do it.

Like many times before, I’ve started counting calories, basically I’m talking about writing down what I eat on a site which gives me instant feedback on the quality of the food consumed. First week was great, but come second week and busy schedule which *%$&% all my planning for what I’m going to eat. So where the first week was good in regards to carbs/protein/fat, second week barely manages to keep the calories in control. I need to nib this behavior in the bud. My diet in itself is not that bad, there are a lot of veggies and fruit, but my problem is snacking and not moving enough. Btw. I got a Polar Loop for Xmas, haven’t got the daily activity level full yet.

And I have these irrational fears. What if I lose the weight? Does that mean that I wasn’t good enough as a fatty? I’m probably not explaining myself very well… I’ll use makeup as an example. I don’t use makeup. And I’m perfectly fine with myself without it. Now if I would start to wear makeup would I feel worse without it? Would it become a must? Would people not accept me without it? These are the underlying thoughts that I sabotage myself with every time. I told you it was irrational.

I do not have any rosy ideas of my life becoming amazing when thinner. My life is good as it is. I just want to fit into it easier. I want to find clothes in the normal sized section, I want to be able to stretch without struggling with the mountain of lard in the way. Sorry for that mental image. Here’s a cute kitten to wipe it away.