Decisions and self-sabotage

Ok. I’ve decided to do it. I definitely am, or at least I’m going to try. The big D word. Diet. In real life I probably won’t tell anyone, bar my husband, about it, because I don’t want more people to judge me if (when?) I fail. – That’s how confident I am about losing weight.

As a fat person (I don’t actually see myself as a fat person, which is why seeing the numbers on my scale feels so horrendous.)- I try to appear unaffected by my weight. I’m a great person, smart, hard working, friendly – the fat exterior doesn’t define me, so admitting that I’m really not happy with myself – well, let’s just say, it doesn’t feel good.

I’m going to try the Fast Metabolism Diet for 28 days. If it works, it will be great, and then I will continue doing it. But if it doesn’t… Then I really don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve done my food plan for the first four days and I’m quite surprised by the amount of food I’m going to be eating. And at the same time I notice myself already sabotaging my diet, even before I’ve even started it! Can I live without coffee? No!? I probably could but do I want to? I don’t like to eat breakfast that early… Will it kill me to wake up a bit earlier to give me time to eat before going to work? No it won’t. It’ll be tough, probably not on the eating side of the equation but on the psychological side of it. Because in the end of the day, the real struggle is between my ears.

I hope that in four weeks I can report back, happy that I’ve lost some weight. But if it doesn’t happen… Well then I’ve again successfully sabotaged myself.

The reality is, that I’m now the same weight as I was when I was 40 weeks pregnant the last time (the junior is 5 years in June – so not really talking about baby weight that needs to come off). The weight gain has to stop here. The only acceptable direction for my weight curve is down.

The diet promises up to 20 lbs weight loss in 28 days. If I will lose 10 lbs I will be happy, but not satisfied.

Wish me luck.

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